You have reached 607-555-5555. We are not able to come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. If you happen to be the traveling spouse or father of anyone living at this number and who has been visiting/working in faraway places for the past few weeks, the following options are available. Please listen carefully.
To discover how long Susan and Jordan had to wait in the emergency room before anyone could get around to setting Jordan’s broken arm, press 1.
Five hours and 29 minutes
(They were quick to take x-rays but it was another two hours and 52 minutes before anything else happened. The harried doctor in the green hospital garb with a bloody smear on the sleeve said, “The x-rays indicate a greenstick fracture of the right forearm.” No surprise there. It took two hours and seven minutes more before we left. Andrew had dinner for us when we came home—spaghetti. I was grateful. Jordan ate very little and is asleep now. It is late, almost midnight. I have to be at work at eight in the morning. I feel like sleeping on the floor beside his bed, like I sometimes did when he was very small and sick. I wish you were here.)
To learn how much the new water heater cost after the old one dropped dead, press 2.
$469.00, plus tax and installation
(No showers for two days! We heated water in the kettle on the stove to wash the dishes and for a while, it was fun, like summer camping. But hot water is a habit we take for granted. I don’t know if it qualifies as being spoiled, but we were all relieved to put a hand under the faucet and feel the warm liquid spill over our fingers. We drew straws to see who would get the first shower. Andrew won; I was next. I hope you will approve of this purchase. It is not something I buy often.)
To find out if Andrew is passing 2nd year German, press 3.
He’s not.
(He neglected to hand in over half the homework assignments. If he goes to special study sessions he can recoup some of the credit before he has mid-terms. I will have to pick him up at 4:45 each afternoon for the next two weeks. If you were here, you would do it. Wouldn’t you?)
For an accurate account of how many feet of snow have been shoveled from the driveway since you left, press 4.
Three feet five and a half inches.
This information will be updated daily.
(I usually go out to get the morning paper first thing after I start the coffee. Andrew and Jordan are still asleep and I have a half an hour before I wake them and start the day for real. My boots imprint the new snow already pathmarked by ambitious squirrels. I can tell if the day is very cold by the squeak of the snow as I set my foot down. The snow catches tiny shards of early sunlight and the world is brand new again and silent. I think of winter as cold and white, but when I stand out in its circle, it is the stark silence that I notice. Inside again, I check the headlines, take a sip of coffee from the mug we brought from Switzerland, and tally up how many more days before you come home.)
For an idea of how much Susan’s new winter coat cost, press 5.
It was on sale. That’s all you need to know
(It is a lovely soft gray woolen coat with an over-size collar and deep cuffs. The hat, scarf and gloves were extra, but the blue goes with my eyes and the salesgirl thought they were just perfect. I hope you like it. Maybe we can go out to dinner at Madeleine’s when you come home. I could order scallops and wear my new coat. Should I get a dress too?)
To find out how much dental work for the cat, Iris, will cost, press 6.
$180.00, more if they need to do an extraction
(I’m having trouble with this. We’re talking about a cat. Lots of children don’t have this kind of money put out for their dental care. I have come up with a rationalization—Iris is 15 years old so the true cost only is $12.00 a year. Besides Iris is a fine companion. On these cold nights she curls up just behind my knees and her gentle purr when I move even slightly reminds me of the happy facility she has for appreciating the little things.)
To discover how long it takes to mop up an entire gallon of milk that was dropped on the floor when Susan was making pancakes for seven boys who had come for Jordan's 13th birthday sleep-over, press 7.
Only 7 minutes, 3 bath towels and about a half a roll of paper towels
(The milk was not a big problem, but your absence on this birthday was keenly felt. Our children are both teenagers now. The baby, little boy days are gone.)
To find out how it happened that Brenda, our next-door-neighbor of Glenn-and-Brenda, ran off with the pastor from the First Methodist Church of Miltonburg, press 8.
It’s a long story
(I met Glenn in the grocery store and right there in front of the broccoli display he started telling the tale. The pastor and she read poetry together and they take long walks in the woods. She likes that. She likes it more than she likes Glenn or their home with their three children. He has known her since she was 17 and he was 18. “I don’t know who she is,” he says. “I like poetry too.” She has moved out; the pastor has been removed from his church. Glenn has the children. He says he never had a clue. There’s a lot more. We can talk when you get home.)
For the menu of the Welcome Home Dinner we are planning for your return, press 9.
Champagne (or Cokes)
Assorted Cheese Platter
(definitely with Brie)
Standing Rib Roast (even though it is not Christmas Dinner)
Beets with Orange Sauce (because beets are your favorite)
Roast New Potatoes
Green Salad with Artichokes Vinaigrette (!!)
Mousse au Chocolat
(Andrew and Jordan are making the dessert. We already have the ingredients.)
To repeat these options, press 10.
