To the chiseled face with steely blue eyes under a fur-lined hat:
You approached a group of Americans one stark night in February of 1988 while the wind stroked our cheeks and tossed snow lightly onto our eyelashes. We were nervous and awkward outsiders exploring the embankment in front of the Hermitage certain the Secret Police was watching us after our tour guide’s stern warnings to not wander off. This was the Soviet Union after all, but we were young, just 21.
In contrast, you lacked any self-doubt and carried yourself with the confidence of experience. On a mission, you looked down into my eyes, reached out your arm with letter in hand, and penetrated my breath as it hung in the cold. I heard your broken English, asking me to take this letter and mail it to someone in America. Who? I can’t remember. A family member? An old friend? A lover? Yes, the desperation in your eyes said lover.
As my hand reached out to grab your correspondence, your eyes began to soften, and I knew I could do it. I could be your hero, your savior, your escape from oppression, and your connection to freedom and a touch of compassion in a world so cold and cruel and dull. Until overcome with worry, Susan rushed in to stop me and pushed me aside with warnings of gulags and prison camps, detainment and torture.
I turned back as you stood there defiantly and silently mouthed, “I’m sorry.” As we walked away, our boots crunched on the snow that had collected on the wide, brick sidewalk. No one said anything. We felt small and defeated, knowing that collections of art displayed in the palaces had watched as the visions of our better selves dissipated with the arrival of fear as quickly as our breath in the frigid air.
Still, the Volga River continued to flow. And, all these years later, I have always wondered, who I would be, what I would be, and where I would be, if I had taken that letter and posted it to a stranger, for a stranger, to be part of a love triangle across continents. The cold war did end not so many years later. I hope your love survived. Just know my courage has grown over the years.
