Tuesday, January 12, 2016

A Few Very Good Questions


On Saturday morning, January 9, in the last few minutes of the writing circle, everyone chose an Inquiry Card from a deck made by Sylvia Nibley. Here are the responses to those questions, written by some of the women in the group.

What am I committed to?
- Anonymous

Be-ing. No more scurry. No more flurry. Nope. Now is now. Feet on floor. Sit bones on the chair. Air in. Air out. Just that simple. But nope, not that simple.  

At dinner, another diner said that relationships, in her mind, are simple. She said, "Society pictures them as such." As though that made it so. I harrumphed.  Relationships' glory is in their messiness. In the chance to see a snarled tangle, one with the hair from our childhood hairbrush in it (?), and to gently untangle it; to curiously, gently, and with kindness loosen the strands, and then to run one's fingers and nuzzle one's face in the other's silky locks, that is the divinity of connection. To scurry, to rush, all of that just tightens the knots, the tangles. All of that just sucks life from existence.  

I am committed to bringing my be-ing the same gentle kindness and attentive curiosity that allows me to untangle snarls with people and hair. So I let myself be. Feet on floor. Sit bones on chair. Air in. Air out.   


Where is my joy? 
- Anonymous

Where is my joy?
I left it on the street, behind the house where betrayal stung with the shame of loss and secrets.

Where is my joy?
It stayed in that moment of seeing my children for the first time. I inadvertently left it behind.

Where is my joy?
Scattered in the wind with my mother's ashes.

Where is my joy?
It sank like a storm-battered ship — too tired and overwhelmed to go on.

Where is my joy?
within me
deep down
still there
waiting


What's working well?
- Camilla

The well. The well is well. The water keeps coming up and we don’t even know where the well actually is. The guy who owned the house before us wasn’t even sure. The pump has been pumping since the fifties for god’s sake. “Dontcha think we ought to find it and figure it out and what if it stops and what if there is a finite bunch of water and what if there’s a drought and…?!” But somewhere along the line we forgot to worry and the pump keeps humming as a giant wet heart. It’s a mystery. And that’s what works.


What inspires me?   
- Chris Carstensen

art color form architecture buildings beauty people love nature friends family words stories emotion passion travel Italy

I especially like to write and draw
I especially like to learn and love through the structure of school
I especially like to share
I am inspired by beautiful design and thoughtful purpose
I am looking for inspiration to move me into the next form of my life activities


What can I experience more fully?
- Edna S. Brown

joy
love
sadness
loss
sensual pleasures
quietness
music
dance
absence of judgment
sunrises
sunsets
darkness 
the winter sky
openness of heart


What moves you?
- Lilace Mellin Guignard

I am moved by mystery. Not answers.

What do the clouds see in us, and do they argue about it?

When that vertebrae burns in the back of my neck, what chakra is that and should I be worried?

What color is the soul? Does it change colors over a life? Are bug souls a different color than lizard souls?

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a woman?

How can anyone talk about the end of the earth and feel comforted?

Why would anyone want to have everything figured out?


What am I hungry for?
- Margaret Snow

Such a relevant question now, at this time of year when we make resolutions, many of which involve shaking addiction. If it's not sugar, sex, or drugs that we're hungry for, I'm reminded that it's time to find out what our souls really crave, and feed them that. Stop, pause, ask the question. Go inside. The craving is real, and we must nourish ourselves.


What can I let go of?
- Maureen Owens

How about everything?

Boxes unopened — for years in the basement
Running shoes I don't run in
Running shoes I won't even walk in
All jewelry
Folders with teaching stuff — I don't teach anymore and I don't want to
Massage stuff — I don't do massage anymore and I don't want to
Judgment (especially self)
Worry
Doubt
Busy
Fear
Facebook

Just about everything


Where can I  be more kind?
- Priscilla Walker

In the shadow of my mind.


What are my boundaries?
- Susan Dixon

Well, a nice fence, certainly. A fence is my agreement with predators: you stay out there, in here is mine. But just a sturdy fence isn't enough. Good boundaries mean a well-ordered garden inside the fence, one with neat beds, some for flowers, some for vegetables. Even then, though, weeds invade, so good boundaries involve another agreement: everything inside the fence has to cooperate, like a French potager or a Three Sisters Garden — corn supporting beans, beans fixing nitrogen, squash keeping down the weeds.


What am I expecting?
- Zee Zahava

laughter 
movement 
strength 
gentleness 
alchemy 
abundance 
creativity  
friendship
change 
miracles
wordswordswords 
the unexpected


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If you are interested in knowing more about where these questions come from check out:
InquiryCards.com

Monday, January 11, 2016

First: a collection of memories and musings, by 9 women


The First Time I Saw My Mother's Face
by Janie Nusser

Three years old. A late spring day. Brother and sister in school, so it is just the two of us.

Mom was hanging clothes on the line, and she asked me to help her. The back yard was teeming with inviting distractions — huge orange monarch butterflies on the white wisteria bush flowers; lady bugs crawling in an orange mass from the middle of a rotten tree trunk; bees hovering excitedly over bright yellow dandelions.

But my mother wanted my help, something she had never requested before, so I put distractions aside.

I reached into the basket to lift a wet, heavy sheet. My arms trembled with the weight. My mother leaned low to grasp the sheet, and that was the moment it happened. There was her face, close to mine. I was startled but also moved to tenderness. I saw anxiety and worry on this beautiful, young, vulnerable face. I reached up, hoping to smooth the emotion that danced there, certain my touch could heal her. But the face moved out of reach before I could touch it.

It was a fleeting moment. I knew it was something to be treasured, remembered, but I had no way to communicate this moment of grace. All I could do was hold on to it. Forever.


====

You Go First
by Linda Keeler

"I want to go first!"  
"No, I do!!"  
My sister and I fought, as sisters often do, determinedly. We were in the car on our way to the small local airport. My dad's friend from work had offered to take us up in his plane! I was 6, Wendy 2 years older, and we kept up our running battle while my dad, with his usual patience, quietly drove the car. An airplane — we were going to ride in an airplane!! 

When visiting our grandparents in Philadelphia, our dad had often taken us out to the airport to watch the takeoffs and landings, and we were fascinated.

At last we pulled into the little airport, got out of the car and walked toward the hangar. There it sat — a teensy tiny toylike two-seater plane.

I said, "You go first!"  
Wendy retorted, "No, you go first!!"


====

First of All
by Marty Blue Waters

First of all, what I most love to look for in this weird world we live in, is poetic justice. When the underdog champions in the final moment, in the grand style of David and Goliath, I stand up and cheer. In the brutal world of pro football in America, for example, a crucial playoff game takes on the elements of all-out war. I pity the referees whose jobs are to try to control these emotional maelstroms, or maybe I should say "malestroms"? They must call fouls on men in armor with egos out of control — and the celebration dances to prove it. Their whole careers are on the line with that last play, for God's sake. How to define it all? Hopefully for me, as I watch from the comfort of home, the game will end in the final second when the little kicker trots out in a pristine uniform and kicks a game-winning field goal. Or when the bruised and battered quarterback manages to sail a "Hail Mary" pass into the end zone, and a very acrobatic teammate jumps above the clamoring crowd to grab the ball for a winning touchdown. There is nothing like it in the world, this sudden reversal of final reality. Poetic justice!


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First
by Maureen Owens

"This is a wonderful day. I've never seen this one before." 
— Maya Angelou

First, I heard him whine, yawn, shake his tags, and pop to his feet. My first thought is that he is a beautiful hound, a dear soul in this first meeting of the day. He knows how to do a first. After his reclining and rising firsts, he hops on three lovely, long legs to the living room, where his next first is to grab a toy and squeak it until he can't. His third first of the day is joyous greeting — remembering his people, and that there's loving to be had. Firsts, seconds, thirds, etc. continue through his day, each moment an infusion of all that makes his dog-heart sing.

These are my first sentences of the day, strung together into the morning's first spew. Travis is not my first dog, he is my seventh, but he is my first three-legged dog, my first black greyhound, my first Travis. He's a gem; though they are all sparkly and different, this one's got a job, though this is not the first time a greyhound's been assigned to mentor me. This one, my first three-legged black greyhound, Travis, is nudging me in new ways. I thought I knew resilience, but he's showing me the essence of that word.

Today is the first time in a while that I am remembering the dog lessons. Everything is a first, and even if not really, might as well greet it as one. Bounce out of bed, meet the day with fresh eyes, grab a squeaky toy and onward.


====

The First Story I Wrote
by Paula Culver

When did I first know I wanted to be a writer? My first concrete memory is that it happened when I was probably 8-ish. I wrote a long story — to me it was epic; I remember it being at least 10 pages — about a talking cat who travelled the world. I wrote it on lined school paper, single-sided and made the cover out of construction paper. Then, I punched holes in the cover to line up with the holes in the paper and bound it with yarn. In contrasting colors, of course! I don't remember the title or details but the memory of it has had a significant impact on me. I've torn my parents' house apart many a time looking for it but have never found it. My dad probably threw it away, just like he did with my other writing. It doesn't take years of therapy to figure this one out. Or does it?


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My First Time Baking
by Sara Robbins

The first time I baked bread was at the hippie farm in Spencer. I'd gone there originally with a guy I barely knew, to check out the scene at the commune where he lived. One of the women there — Stephi — had started a bakery of sorts, completely illegal of course; no health department inspections of certificates, no legal tax status. Just hippies making whole grin bread in the huge funky farmhouse kitchen. Stephi taught me the basics and I got creative with flavors. For some reason none of the men participated in this venture. We baked and baked many loaves: whole wheat, rye, cracked wheat, cinnamon swirl, cheese bread, herb bread — you name it. Dense hearty real bread. Some loaves came out burned on the outside, or raw in the middle — these went to the chickens. Some might have a long hair inside or a bit of grit from the kneading table, which was never truly cleaned. we figured the oven would take care of any germs. So I learned to mix, knead, and bake bread. Which actually led me to a job, that turned out to be my "career" I guess, first as a baker and then as a cook.


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First Question of the New Year
by Sue Norvell

Is it too late to get organized? I hope not. I can’t bear the idea that I will live the rest of my life dealing with “stuff.” Yet, put me in an antique shop, a kitchen supply emporium, a store selling yarn, ribbon or fabric, or — oh hell, even Lowe’s or Agway! — I can see ten things which intrigue me. Maybe it’s the feel of a tiny carved wooden bird ornament, an English Robin, painted and so smooth it’s almost soft to the touch. Perhaps it’s a large, heavy brass clip, such as is used on a horse’s harness. Or is it the vibrant red/black square of fabric which tempts me? Do I yield to the temptation and buy it? Less and less often. But I still look, and think, “Of course that would be useful!”


====

2 Firsts
by Sue Perlgut

My first time swimming all on my own was after my father dropped me into a swimming pool — I was four or five years old — and let me go. I went under, sputtered, and then I floated. The first swim stroke I learned was the doggie paddle. I became quite a good swimmer, even winning a swim meet when I was fifteen, doing the backstroke.

The first time I took my driver’s license test I was just 17 years old. I’d been practicing driving with my father as the driving instructor. I went for the test and for various reasons failed it. At that time in New Jersey one could try again six months later. In the meantime I practiced. My father taught me a no-fail way to parallel park the car — which I still use to this day — and I passed the test, this time with ease, even getting a compliment from the tester who said that my parking was the best he’d seen in a long while.


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The First Time I Thought My Father Was a Hero
by Zee Zahava

It's the winter of 1958, and there is a blizzard in the Bronx. So much snow that the schools are closed, the busses aren't running, and a moving car hasn't been seen for hours.

All the men on our block are home from work on that weekday and when the snow finally lets up they take to the sidewalk with shovels. Where did these shovels come from? I think they must be secretly stored in the basement, behind the laundry room, for just such an emergency.

The men emerge from their apartments with scarves wrapped around their faces, and hats pulled down low over their red ears. Those who own a car (we don't) are busy scraping the windshields clean, digging Darts and Chevys out of snowdrifts. 

It is all very exciting to watch. Wives and children lean against the brick buildings, cheering the menfolk on. Mrs. Teitelbaum, our neighbor from one flight up, fills a thermos with hot coffee and brings it to her husband, the oldest man out there. She begs him to slow down. He tells her not to fuss at him. My own mother never fusses over my father and she wouldn't have brought him coffee even if she knew how to make it (which she doesn't), and even if we owned a thermos (which we don't). But I can tell she is as proud of Daddy as I am, busy with his shovel, telling jokes and making the other men laugh, acting as though this is the best time he's had in a long while. Which it probably is.

But none of this is why I think my father is a hero. That comes the next day, after the city trucks have come and cleared the streets so cars and busses can get by. The sidewalks are mostly passable now, the schools are open again. But at the crosswalks the snow is still piled up, too high to walk through or to climb over, if you are a little girl. And I am. My mother says I should stay home from school but my father says no, I shouldn't miss even a minute of first grade.

Both my parents help me get into my winter gear: padded leggings that go over a pair of tights and under my scratchy wool skirt; two sweaters and two scarves; my winter coat; mittens; and that silly hat with the white pom-pom on top, that Aunt Cookie made for me. 

Eventually it is time to set out for P. S. 6. I can hardly move. We only have to go two blocks, up a slight incline, in the opposite direction of the Bronx Zoo. I waddle as I walk.

Daddy holds my hand to keep me steady. When we get to the corner and the first snowbank, he lifts me up onto his shoulders and strides right through the high pile of snow. Just strides right through it. It comes up to his knees, maybe higher. He grunts just a little bit. But he doesn't jostle me and he doesn't drop me. And I stay dry. All the way to school, even when he could put me down on the sidewalk, he carries me on his shoulders. This is the first time I think my father is a hero.







Thursday, January 7, 2016

My First Boyfriend and My First Movie, by Cly Boehs


I fell in love with Robert “The Frog” Qualls in fifth grade at Roosevelt Elementary. His father was a piano turner and completely blind. Robert wore coke-bottle glasses, his eyes staring out at me at twice anybody else’s size, and since they were green as grass and bright as the sky, and they were more often than not staring at me, I succumbed and went steady two weeks after classes began, with him presenting me with an Indian beaded bracelet on the softest suede.
I’d never been to the movies. I was raised a Mennonite and movies were a prohibition in our church, but when Robert asked me to a matinee, I gathered my courage and asked my mother if we could see The Babe Ruth Story at the Cherokee Theater.  She said no at first but came to me a day later and told me that if Robert and I were properly chaperoned and she could meet one of his parents, I could go.
The day Robert’s father came to our house, he walked into the living room tapping his cane, where Mother and I were waiting, and introduced himself. He said his wife would drive us to the movie and pick us up after and bring me home, which she did.
But halfway through the picture, I was suddenly overcome by the sin I was committing and ran to the lounge, with Robert close behind. We sat and ate licorice he bought from the concession stand and waited for our ride home. I didn’t see the rest of The Babe Ruth Story until many years later.
And although I’ll always remember Robert “The Frog” Qualls as my first boyfriend, my first love’s name was Mayre Mueller. But that’s another story.


Friday, December 18, 2015

What comes of breaking?, by Stacey Murphy


What comes of breaking?
When a shell breaks
We might see a bird, a snake,
A dragon or a pearl emerge.

When a cocoon crumbles
It might be a gypsy moth that spreads its wings
Or it could be a monarch butterfly.

When a mirror breaks
Do the shards reveal seven years of bad luck?
Or perhaps seventeen
Different sized and shaped ways of seeing ourselves
That we had not before considered?

What if, when the heart breaks,
We could find ourselves
Holding on to our capacity to love in the first place
And let the pain stand there right next to it
Let them shakily hold hands
Inside our souls
Where there is room for all of it
Where all of it really belongs.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

A List and a Food Short, by Sara Robbins


Some Things That Have Not Changed

I still love dogs and wish I could get another puppy

I still try to pet every dog I see on the street if the owner says it is friendly

I still read 3 books at a time

I still love to cook for people but I wonder if I'm bribing them with food

I still think of my mother every day

I still cry when I hear certain songs: Over the Rainbow, Who Knows Where the Time Goes, Danny Boy . . . .

I still remember what my son smelled like as a young child

I still wish I could time-travel

I still have vivid dreams; I remember them and learn from them

I am still terrified of all rodents

I still need to have lots of colors around me

I still carry loss within, I always have, I always will

I still find people interesting and I want to hear their stories

I still talk to dead people; I ask for their help

I still turn to chocolate chip muffins to ease my pain — I call this the grief diet and see no end in sight

I still am a caregiver

I still love therapy

I still refuse to be a victim

I still appreciate anything good that comes my way





Apple Cake

I love to bake apple cakes. I use a variation of Aunt Minnie's recipe and it always works. Sometimes I leave out the cardamon, sometimes I use dried cranberries, and currants, and walnuts instead of pecans. I always add vanilla and cinnamon, the cake always disappears quickly. I bake it in various pans (buttered or oiled, lined with sesame seeds) — a Bundt pan, a sheet pan, a Pyrex pie plate, a tiny heart-shaped pan I got at a yard sale years ago, muffin tins. This recipe is very flexible and I think of Aunt Minnie and say "Thank you" whenever I make it. Maybe I'll bake one today.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

5 Minutes / 5 Lines Part 2


Written by some members of the Tuesday Morning Writing Circle on October 6, during the first few moments of our gathering


Gabrielle Vehar

why is it that sometimes
those we most love
make us the most irritated
often just by doing
nothing at all


Leah Grady

how a chair holds you
reminds your body
of being held before
in a mother's arms
or father's, or aunt's


Linda Keeler

the thought of breakfast wakes me
cold cereal
but now, no peaches
so dish up the oatmeal
with seeds and nuts and maple syrup


Marty Blue Waters

little bugs with no appetite for my blood
always welcome around me
hard workers climbing an endless wall
quietly reminding me to refocus
lots to do — lots to do


Sara Robbins

I walk the woods
I still see green above
the canopy my cathedral
I talk to you and breathe it in
you loved this place


Sue Perlgut

72 looms
proving that I am
getting older
moving towards
what? I can't say it


Zee Zahava

after nearly a week
the road crew is gone
all that remains
is the tangy scent
of slow-drying tar

Thursday, October 1, 2015

5 Minutes / 5 Lines


Written by some members of the Thursday Morning Writing Circle on October 1, during the last few moments of our gathering


Leah Grady Sayvetz

fall is when leaves come down
I think that's called onemonopea
but I don't think I spelled that correctly
now I'm trying to think back to English 103
where I learned that word

today is Thursday but it feels like Tuesday
making me realize who needs days of the week anyway?
because the significance of a day is 
what you do
not what they say it's called

sitting on the break or work bench, he's cutting fabric
he's making paper from old military uniforms
I sit down later on my break and am taken off guard
holding this inch-square stained camo with a seam and one button
I realize that the person who wore this died in war


Liz Burns

this morning I walked
my feet hurt
the creeks are fuller and flowing faster
there are some bigger puddles on the streets
but the ground has soaked up all the rain that fell

the small bulldozer plowed through the high grass
it cut through the brush on the hill and
moved a huge mound of earth
the landscapers cut down trees and then not content
with that, moved across the road and cut down more


Michael Schaff

five minutes — stop engines
five lines the limit
on a boat tying up
to an aquatic clock dock
only seconds left to summer


Sue Crowley

we slept in our car while crossing a desert
I was so small I fit on a shelf beneath the curved back window
one night I woke in the dark, overwhelmed by the endless infinity above me
aware at once of this tiny human speck amidst the unfathomable
not even my mother's gentle comforts could stop the tears


Susan Lesser

horse chestnuts nestle in the still green grass
only a few tomatoes left to pick
red leaves from the maple let go and dance to the ground
the gaudy zinnias bloom unaware
their time is passing

on the stove a pot of winter beef stew
in the oven a pie of apples, homemade crust
on the blue countertop a bowl of green salad crowned with a ring of feta cheese
in the basket rolls waiting for the butter dish
all of us home for dinner at last


Yvonne Fisher

at Yom Kippur services
the rabbi reminded us
that just beside joy
is sorrow and just
beside sorrow is joy

the Rinpoche said:
yes, you live in the heaven realm
now but it's better
to come back
down to earth

somebody hit my parked car
I jumped up ready to yell
the driver was a nice man
from Tibet in a big SUV
I calmed down instantly


Zee Zahava

34 years ago I met my sweetheart
she was wearing a pair of Frye boots
she spilled a cup of coffee in my lap
I thought she was adorable
last week she finally gave the boots away

yesterday I cooked up a big pot of apple sauce
for the first time ever
I left the peels on the apples, sprinkled in cinnamon
and used a large fork to mash things up
keeping it all lumpy the way my grandmother used to do